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SAN FRANCISCO, CA — After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter’s leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.
“Initially the poll seemed to indicate that the majority of users and bots wish me gone, but that was a mirage,” said Musk as he emerged from a dark, windowless room with stacks of ballots. “It looks like we got an overnight dump of 2 million mail-in votes that all say they want me to stay in charge of Twitter! Imagine that! Vox Populi Vox Dei!”
The dump reportedly came after millions of people around the world realized they had missed the Twitter poll and desperately sent in hand-written appeals begging the eccentric billionaire to keep running Twitter. “Please Mr. Musk! Don’t leave! Twitter is fun now! PLEASE!” read one earnest note.
Officials with the FBI are reportedly outraged that the mail-in results were enough to overturn their expensive Chinese bot farm and are demanding a recount.
Twitter users are being urged to accept the results of this “free, fair, and totally secure” election — unless they want to be given the shameful label of “election denier.”
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Here is what the two major political parties are focusing on in the mid-term election:
- Republicans are appealing to voters by prioritizing the economy, inflation and crime,
- Democrats are focusing on abortion, education and climate change.
Then there’s President Biden’s approval rating…. -
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Elon Musk’s bid to purchase Twitter came up short after 138,000 board votes were found at 2 a.m., a company spokesman confirmed Tuesday. Musk had been in talks to purchase the company for $44 billion.
“We really thought Musk was going to pull this one out,” said Twitter CEO Parag Agrawal. “The yes votes had a strong lead when I went to bed last night, but that was before we counted all the mail-in votes that one of our employees found in locker 142 at the bus terminal.”
When the final votes were tallied, the takeover bid failed by a final tally of 10 votes for, 138,000 votes against. While the final result came as a shock to most observers, Agrawal said the election was fair. “Twitter takes election integrity very seriously,” he noted. “I can confidently say this was the most secure election in American history.”
A shocked Musk took to Twitter Tuesday to express his outrage. “Those ballots…that’s a whole big scam,” Musk tweeted. “The only way I could have lost is if this was rigged! I refuse to accept the results of this vote!”
Musk later tweeted that he was planning a demonstration at Twitter headquarters on May 6 to protest the results. His account was then permanently suspended by Twitter for questioning the integrity of the election.
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ATLANTA, GA—Despite the lifting of mask mandates across the United States, Democrats have chosen to continue their proud tradition of wearing white masks to show their political affiliation.
“Mandate or not, I’m still wearing a mask to show others what side of the political aisle I am on,” said liberal democrat Snoddly McGuberson while proudly donning a white mask over his face. “Just like dear old Gramps, assistant Klaliff to the Supreme Grand Wizard back in the good old days.”
Thousands of Democrats have posted screeching manifestos on social media, defiantly donning white cloths over their faces to symbolize their desire for overwhelming government power to enforce a perfect society based upon cult-like zealotry, just like white-hooded Democrats of the past.
“It just feels right, you know? Masking up and attacking people of differing beliefs from behind a shroud of anonymity,” said McGuberson, “My democrat grandpa would be so proud.”